The Proposition
Given our
usual failings when it comes to picking a winning bracket for March Madness,
would we have better luck using our knowledge of comic book characters and
general nerdom to project out a bracket.
The Rules
To do this
we first needed to assign a character to each team in the field based on either
their mascot, their name or any other connection we felt spoke to us. We divided the regions equally between us, Walter
Kovacs taking the SOUTH and the WEST and Cain Marko taking the EAST and the
MIDWEST. After we had each finished we
compared notes and made some changes. (Bulldog teams in particular were tricky
because after Lockjaw the pickings get thin.) Both of us had to dig pretty deep
into characters we’d never heard of before to fill some of the slots, but after
a quick Wikipedia search we felt confident in our understanding of each
character.
Once the
teams we assigned we had to decide what the rules of the fight were. After agreeing that it was a no holds barred
dual, we decided that the higher seeded team would get to choose the
battlefield. This was a good decision as
it produced a bit of a leveling effect and helped to keep us from choosing too
many upsets (although, often times the power levels were so disparate that no
choice of location would matter)
After the
rules of the fight had been hashed out, we decided to split up each round. With Kovacs playing out the first round
(There are only 64 teams to us. No “First Four” games. We’re both traditionalists at heart) and then
Marko playing out the 2nd round, ect. We each reserved the right to Veto any match
where we didn’t agree with the outcome, but neither of us ever used that
power. It’s important to remember that it
doesn’t matter if George Mason would lose to North Carolina 9 times out of 10;
all that matters is that on March 19th, 2006 George Mason was
better. It is the same with our bracket.
The Teams
CM:
EAST
NC- Clayface
FGCU- American Eagle
USC- AJAX
Providence – Friar Tuck
Indiana – Clark Kent without his
powers
Chattanooga- Steampunk Iron Man
Kentucky – Dr. Manhattan
Stony Brook – Teen Wolf
Notre Dame – Shamrock
Michigan – Guy Gardner
Tulsa – Hurricane (Dark
Riders-mutant)
West Virginia – Sabertooth
SF Austin – Paul Bunyan
Wisconsin – Badger
Pittsburg – Black Panther
Xavier – Professor X
Weber St. – Wildcat
MIDWEST
Virginia – Scott Summers
Hampton – Hector Barbosa Pirates
of the Caribbean
Texas Tech – Lara Croft Tomb
Raider
Butler – Alfred
Purdue –Jonah Hex
Little Rock - Queen Hippolyta
Iowa State – Red Tornado
Iona – Proteus (Kevin Mactaggart
X-Men because he’s Scottish)
Seton Hall –Corsair
Gonzaga – Spike (From Tom and
Jerry)
Utah – Apache Chief (I know
they’re different tribes, but he’s cool and I like him)
Fresno State – Lock Jaw
Dayton – Angel (because all he
can do is fly until Apocalypse shows up)
Syracuse – Aquaman
Michigan State – Wonder Woman
Middle Tennessee - Static Shock
WK:
SOUTH
Kansas- Jay Garrick
Austin Peay- The Governor
(walking dead)
Colorado- Bison
UConn- Wolf (young
justice)
Maryland- Donatello Ninja
Turtles
South Dakota- White Rabbit
Cal- Ursa Major
Hawaii- Rainbow Raider
Arizona - Tiger from Fievel Goes
West
Wichita St- Shocker
Miami- Hurricane (Makkari)
Buffalo- Bullseye
Iowa- Hawkeye
Temple- Nite Owl
Villanova- Nova
UNC Asheville- Ash Ketchum
WEST
Oregon- Darkwing Duck
Southern University- Jaguar (DC)
Cincinnati- Black Cat
Baylor- Big Bear
Yale- Krypto
Duke- Nightcrawler
UNC Wilmington- Hawk of (Hawk
and Dove)
Texas- Hellcow
Northern Iowa- Black Panther
Texas A&M- Poison Ivy
UW Green Bay- Phoenix
Oregon St. - Beavis
VCU- Aries
Oklahoma- Cable
CSU Bakersfield- Roadrunner
The First Round (because
64 teams is good enough)
Walter Kovacs:
EAST
NC- Clayface v FGCU- American Eagle-
This could actually
prove to be a close matchup, but with Clayface getting home court advantage,
and choosing some sort of bog where he has access to overwhelming amount of
malleable clay, American Eagle goes down. Clayface Advances.
USC- AJAX v.Providence – Friar Tuck AJAX- and it’s not even close. The Friar’s belly
bump attack doesn’t even make a dent, even after AJAX chooses Sherwood Forrest
just so that the kindly Friar feels at home while he gets thrashed.
Indiana – Clark Kent without his
powers v. Chattanooga-
Steampunk Iron Man- Clark Kent with
no powers is still formidable due to his battle experience, and he’s smarter
than he looks, and Steampunk Iron Man has definite limitations. Clark
chooses water-based environment to try to rust or limit Iron Man, but
underneath the armor is still Tony Stark, and sans powers- Clark goes
down. SIM wins.
Kentucky – Dr. Manhattan v. Stony
Brook – Teen Wolf- Dr. Manhattan understand
matter down to a molecular level and has godlike powers. Teen wolf can jump
high and is prone to selfish behavior. Dr. Manhattan wins instantly.
Notre Dame – Shamrock v. Michigan – Guy Gardner Shamrock would definitely need to get lucky to defeat
Guy Gardner, but no matter the venue, and no matter how clever she is, the
probability of her winning = 0. Guy Gardner.
West Virginia – Sabretooth v. SF
Austin- Paul Bunyan – This would be
tough. Paul is big and strong, and not unfamiliar in the wild, but
Sabretooth would pick an environment that would maximize his ability to hide
and use his other heightened senses. Paul wouldn’t see him coming.
Sabretooth moves on.
Wisconsin – Badger v. Pittsburg – Black Panther- Not much Badger could do against the overwhelmingly more
powerful Panther. Black Panther moves on
Xavier – Professor X v. Weber St. –
Wildcat- A real brains vs. brawns
matchup. As great a fighter Wildcat is, he wouldn’t be able to lay a glove
on the Professor.
MIDWEST
Virginia – Scott Summers v. Hampton
– Hector Barbosa Pirates of the Caribbean –
Hector asks for it raw, and Scott gives it to him, destroying the pirate and a
good chuck of the landscape as well. Cyclops moves on.
Texas Tech – Lara Croft Tomb Raider
v. Butler – Alfred- This would be a match
for the ages. Alfred’s got fighting experience, and guile. Lara is very
similar. Ultimately, home court advantage, and Alfred’s chivalry and
weakness for the ladies probably swing this Lara’s way.
Purdue –Jonah Hex v. Little Rock - Queen Hippolyta
Hex would probably pick somewhere close to
home, but none of his desert tracking/gun slinging ways will be able to bring
down Hippolyta.
Iowa State – Red Tornado v. Iona –
Proteus (Kevin Mactaggart X-Men because he’s Scottish)- It’s tough to imagine a 1st round exit for a
mutant as powerful as Proteus, but he gets a REALLY bad draw here with Red
Tornado. Since Tornado is an android, he’d be resistant to getting his
body taken over by Proteus, and Proteus is weak against metal in his psionic
form. Red Tornado has home field, and picks an environment to further
limit Proteus’ abilities, and the Android wins the day.
Seton Hall –Corsair v. Gonzaga –
Spike (From Tom and Jerry) – Sorry Spike,
Corsair moves on.
Utah – Apache Chief (I know
they’re different tribes, but he’s cool and I like him) v. Fresno State – Lock Jaw- Even with Apache Chief selecting the environs, Lock Jaw’s
teleportation would make him too tough to stop. Lock Jaw moves on.
Dayton – Angel (because all he can do is fly until Apocalypse shows up)
v. Syracuse – Aquaman- This battle is the one most affected by the
environment. If Angel selects a tiny area with lots of open skies, and NO
water, Aquaman loses a huge portion of his strength, and Angel has a fighting
chance. I’m giving to Angel by split decision.
Michigan State – Wonder Woman v.
Middle Tennessee - Static Shock This
would be a GREAT round one battle. But WW is great anywhere.
Static’s elemental attacks could have trouble in a rubber room or on the
water. WW takes the victory.
SOUTH
Kansas- Jay Garrick v. Austin Peay-
The Governor (walking dead) The governor is
evil, but the first flash is fast. Jay moves on quickly.
Colorado- Bison v. UConn- Wolf
(young justice)- Wolf, although stronger and
bigger than a normal wolf, wouldn’t be able to take down Bison, whose
superhuman strength and environmental advantage give him the edge.
Maryland- Donatello Ninja Turtles v.
South Dakota- White Rabbit- White rabbit is
a minor character who uses rabbit gimmicks to try to take down opponents.
Donatello is the smartest of highly trained ninja turtles. Donatello
would pick a place that neutralizes her tech advantage, and then use his slight
advantage in hand to hand combat to take her down- Pizza time!
Cal- Ursa Major v. Hawaii- Rainbow
Raider – Ursa Major wins this. With
home cave advantage, Ursa minimizes the light that Rainbow Rider can use, and
the strength advantage goes to the huge soviet bear.
Arizona - Tiger from Fievel Goes
West v. Wichita St-
Shocker- Sorry Tiger, but Shocker
moves on.
Miami- Hurricane (Makkari) v.
Buffalo- Bullseye- Technically immortal, Bullseye
has his work cut out for him. On the right playing field, Bullseye could
probably use the things around him as deadly weapons to slow down the
speedster, but Makkari moves too fast for Bullseye to take him out, and into
the round of 32
Iowa- Hawkeye v. Temple- Nite Owl – This is a great matchup. Nite Owl has all the gadgets
you could want, and Hawkeye is deadly with his bow. Hawkeye would pick an
environment where he would try to keep the fight at a distance, but Nite Owl
brings Archie along, and ultimately takes down the Archer- Nite Owl moves on.
Villanova- Nova v. UNC Asheville-
Ash Ketchum- Ash has all the elemental
powers of the Pokémon he can call upon. Nova has the stupid power of the
Nova Corps. Unfortunately, Nova gets to pick the venue. In a sky
battle, Nova fights off thunderbolts from Zappdos, and all of Ash’s Pokémon
faint. Nova moves on.
WEST
Oregon- Darkwing Duck v. Southern University- Jaguar (DC)-
even though he is the shadow that lurks in
the night, Jaguar’s heightened senses would make short work of Darkwing Duck.
Cincinnati- Black Cat v. St. Joe’s-
GI Joe- Black Cat and her super soldier
powers move her past even the best regular soldiers.
Baylor- Big Bear v. Yale- Krypto- Big Bear can alter the density of objects and Krypto is
a dog with most of Superman’s powers. Big Bear chooses a cave of
Kryptonite, and takes the super dog down.
Duke- Nightcrawler v. UNC
Wilmington- Hawk of (Hawk and Dove)-
Nightcrawler’s teleportation and home field advantage send hawk back to Dove,
and Nightcrawler moves on.
Texas- Hellcow v. Northern Iowa- White Tiger- Ava wears an amulet that gives her enhanced abilities, and
allows her to take down the crazy cow.
Texas A&M- Poison Ivy v. UW Green Bay- Phoenix- Poison Ivy in a super garden of her choosing is NO
match for even the weakest versions of the Phoenix force. Phoenix moves
on.
Oregon St.- Beavis v. VCU- Aries- Sorry Beavis, but Aries wins.
Oklahoma- Cable V. CSU Bakersfield-
Roadrunner Meep. Meep. Cable does what
the Coyote never could and takes down the roadrunner.
The round of 32
Cain Marko:
NC- Clayface v USC- AJAX After surviving a first round scare Clay face comes back
strong and reminds everyone why he deserves a #1 seed. Ajax throws
everything he has at Clayface, but ultimately it doesn’t matter.
Chattanooga- Steampunk Iron Man
v Kentucky – Dr. Manhattan
Steampunk Iron Man is clever and
resourceful, but as soon as Dr. Manhattan grows tired of Tony’s talk, this one
is over.
Michigan – Guy Gardner v West
Virginia – Sabretooth Sabertooth chooses
they same location that served him so well last time, and he gets in a number
of good hits on Guy, but after being shamed a couple times Guy levels the
forest/mountain lights the whole field up in a bright green light and cages
Sabertooth
Pittsburg – Black Panther v Xavier – Professor X Black Panther is smart enough to give Professor X a
scare, but Professor X has chose the Mansion as his location and with Cerbro on
it takes him only a moment to find and immobilize Panther.
Virginia – Scott Summers v Texas Tech – Lara Croft Tomb
Raider In terms of power, Cyclops is
clearly in the lead, but I don’t know of any location he could chose that Lara
couldn’t turn to her advantage. Even if he chooses a flat field where he can
use his range, I don’t think he could pull the trigger and hit a girl. Lara has
no such compunctions. The Tomb Raider advances.
Little Rock - Queen Hippolyta v Iowa State – Red Tornado Hippolyta’s magic is powerful, but once again Red Tornado
lucks out with an ideal match up. Hippolyta’s Magic Girdle is useless. And Red
Tornado advances again.
Seton Hall –Corsair v Fresno State –
Lock Jaw This is a tough one. Close up
Lockjaw wins hands down. But Corsair chooses the environment and takes
Lockjaw out to space where his advanced alien technology can be brought to
bear. Lockjaw’s teleportation keeps in it up to the end, but ultimately Corsair
is able to trick the beast and win the match.
Dayton – Angel v Michigan State – Wonder Woman
Angel’s dream run comes to a sudden and
painful end as Wonder Woman punches him through a sky scraper.
Kansas- Jay Garrick v Colorado-
Bison Bison has the strength but Garrick has
the speed and the experience to keep this one out of reach.
Maryland- Donatello Ninja Turtles v
Cal- Ursa Major Ursa gets to choose the
location, but even in the cold Donatello is too smart and too well trained for
the Soviet Bear to really be a threat.
Wichita St- Shocker v Miami- Hurricane (Makkari)
Shocker has been a nice story so far but, in
what we’ve come to expect from the most boring region, speed kills and
Hurricane wins quickly.
Temple- Nite Owl v Villanova-
Nova The advantage in firepower and
location clearly go to Nova, but he can’t overcome his arrogance and stupidity,
Nite Owl catches him in a simple trap early and this one is over.
Southern University- Jaguar (DC)
v Cincinnati- Black Cat
Jaguar can’t get past his golden age
sensibilities and Black Cat uses her femininity like a scalpel to distract
Jaguar and take the win.
Baylor- Big Bear v Duke- Nightcrawler Big Bear loses his home court advantage and Nightcrawler
can just teleport through anything he doesn’t like. It’s a match up
nightmare for Big Bear and though the fight lasts a while, the outcome is never
in doubt.
Northern Iowa- White Tiger v UW Green Bay- Phoenix Once again, the sheer power of Phoenix is irresistible
and White Tiger is lucky to be going home in one piece.
VCU- Aries v Oklahoma- Cable Aries is no match for Cable. The ultimate survivor
waltzes into the Sweet 16 and a matchup with his mother (sort of?) without
having been tested.
The Sweet 16
WK:
UNC- Clayface v. Kentucky- Dr. Manhattan- Clayface is powerful, and he continues to select his home
court swamp as the fighting ground. Dr. Manhattan looks around and vaporizes
Clayface and the swamp in its entirety, and replaces it with a rose garden as
he ponders the purpose of this competition and the meaninglessness of it all.
Michigan – Guy Gardner v. Xavier- Professor X- Guy has put up some remarkable fights to date, but no
matter how much willpower he has- his strength matches up poorly against the
world’s most powerful psychic. Professor X convinces Guy to remove his
own ring and hand it over. He then makes Guy forfeit the match without a
single punch being thrown.
Texas Tech- Lara Croft v. Iowa St-
Red Tornado- Lara Croft’s run of miraculous
luck continues here with what might be the closest battle in the round.
The android has a significant power advantage, and gets to choose the
location. He chooses a wide open plain where his powers will be most
effective. His weakness of trying to be human make him hesitate slightly
to finish it quickly, and his logical, by the book style leaves him open to
some clever, creative tricks and traps set by Lara. In the end, it’s
Lara’s mind, and determination that lead to the upset.
Seton Hall- Corsair v. MSU- Wonder Woman- Corsair is slick, but he loses the location advantage,
and stuck fighting in Themescara, distracted by the other amazons, he’s quickly
overpowered and outclassed.
Kansas- Jay Garrick v. Maryland-
Donatello- Jay Garrick forces Donatello
above ground and out in the open. Donatello’s prodigious ninja dexterity
is no match for the speed and experience the first flash brings to the
table. Donatello gets shell shocked.
Miami- Hurricane (Makkari) v.
Temple- Nite Owl- This was another battle
that was extremely close. Nite owl is clever, and if he got to choose a
location that benefited him, that in and of itself would give him the victory,
but fighting on Hurricane’s turf, Nite Owl reaches into his utility belt and
doesn’t have anything that can help him call the name of the wind.
Setting up an all speedster elite 8 matchup.
Cincinnati- Black Cat v. Duke- Nightcrawler- Back to back nail biters… Black Cat is stronger and a
better fighter. Nightcrawler can teleport, and gets to pick the
location. In this instance, that matters. Nightcrawler picks a dark
area where Cat can’t even see him. He pops in and out, and despite her
physical superiority, Nightcrawler’s teleportation wins the day.
UW Green Bay- Phoenix v. Oklahoma- Cable- This is the ultimate match-up. The Phoenix against
her genetic offspring from the future. Cable knows his power pales in
comparison to the limitless energy the Phoenix possesses. He also knows
he has home court. Using his time travel abilities, Cable sets the fight
in the middle of the past showing the day a version of Jean Grey (Madalyn
Pryor) gave birth to Nathan. Phoenix cries, and reverts back to her Jean Grey
form where she surrenders, allowing her son to move on- unable to strike him
due to (sort of) motherly instinct.
The Elite 8
CM:
Kentucky- Dr. Manhattan v Xavier- Professor X In the Elite 8 we finally get a matchup of true blue chip
heroes. Every member of the original field of 64 crowds around to watch the big
boys pound it out. Professor X stays at the Mansion and Dr. Manhattan
barely notices. Dr. Manhattan has a formidable intellect, but it is only
the work of a moment for Xavier to tap into Dr. Manhattan’s natural apathy.
The crowd is stunned when, just seconds after the match begins, Dr. Manhattan
gets up and flies to Mars abandoning the field. Professor X is named the
victor and leaves the field before anyone even thinks to applaud.
Texas Tech- Lara Croft v MSU- Wonder Woman The Tomb Raider has had a good run, but before the match
Wonder Woman found out that Lara had desecrated the tomb of one of her
Aunts. After beating Croft up and down the field Wonder Woman catches
Lara in the Lasso of Truth. Lara quickly taps before she is humiliated further.
Kansas- Jay Garrick v Miami- Hurricane (Makkari)
In the battle of speedsters Garrick knows
he’s out classed but he’s hoping to use his “old man” wits to keep it close and
win at the end. It’s doesn’t work. Makkari blitzes him from start
to finish. Garrick is just fast enough to prolong the fight, but
eventually Makkari closes the gap and ends it.
Duke- Nightcrawler v Oklahoma- Cable In a match up that has the X-Men Conference (XMC)
commissioner parked in a luxury box smoking cigars, Cable chooses the desolate
waste lands of his future as the battle ground. Nightcrawler hits Cable
over and over again taking advantage of his superior speed and teleportation to
wear Cable down. Cable keeps fighting though and never lets Nightcrawler
take a break. Over time the gaps between Nightcrawler’s teleportation’s
begin to lengthen. Sensing that Nightcrawler is weakening Cable steps up
his attack. Nightcrawler fights on gamely but once Cable has the edge it
is only a matter of time. After the longest battle of the tourney Cable
finally gets a clean shot in on Nightcrawler and (as he should) stands alone on
the field of battle.
The Final 4
WK:
Xavier- Professor X v. MSU- Wonder Woman - What a matchup, the leader of the X-men vs. one of the
founding members of the justice league. Professor X’s mental prowess has
been on display throughout the tourney, but Wonder Woman has him outclassed in
every single physical skill. Finally away from his mansion and Cerebro
boosting his powers- professor has to fight on a neutral field. Still,
his psychic powers are an absolute trump card. Diana immediately falls to
her knees beneath the psychic onslaught. Out of desperation, she throws
up her gauntlets- combined with the slight mental protection from her tiara,
it’s just enough for her to throw her lasso of truth grabbing the professor,
distracting him, and causing him to let his guard down for one second, as she
pulls him towards her, and ends the fight in a viscous one-punch knock-out.
Miami- Hurricane (Makkari) v. Oklahoma- Cable- Cable’s a survivor as he’s shown throughout the
competition, and he’s already taken down one supreme power, what’s one
more. Cable chooses the place for this throw down, and this time it’s a
futuristic space ship engine room- the whole environment is set up to trap
Makkari in a disintegration field while keeping him in confined space to
minimize his ability to get up to speed. Cable takes a beating, but ends
up springing the trap, and winning the day.
The Championship
CM:
Oklahoma- Cable v MSU- Wonder
Woman In this battle of 2 seeds Wonder Woman
gets the first advantage of a neutral court. Cable has survived this long
on a combination of luck, planning and unwavering determination. But in
the finals it looks like the first two have finally run out. Cable uses
every trick he has to try to get an edge on Wonder Woman, but she’s trained as
a warrior longer than he has and she’s already seen everything he has to
offer. Cable’s hanging with Wonder Woman but it’s looking more like Rocky
v Apollo I. Cable’s doing everything he can to stay on his feet and the
crowd loves it. Slowly the inevitable becomes obvious. Wonder
Woman, becoming more and more enraged my Cable’s refusal to quit and what
she sees as his “male pride,” destroys most of Cable’s cybernetics. In a
final attempt to force his submission Wonder Woman grabs Cable’s left arm and
rips it from its socket. A hush falls over the crowd as Cable drops to
his knees trying to stop the bleeding with his right hand. Wonder Woman
flies up preparing for one final punch. Just inches from Cables head her
whole body stops instantly. By ripping off his arm Wonder Woman removed
the Techno Virus from Cables body. Without the Techno Virus to fight Cable’s
telekinetic powers were finally released. Standing up slowly Cable draws
his gun with his remaining hand, puts the barrel to Wonder Woman’s head and
fires a single shot. Cable wobbles but remains standing long enough to be
declared the victor. Scott and Jean run out of the audience and catch Cable
between them before he can fall.
Okhlahoma - Cable